Constitution as written by Death Note on Crack
by Black Streak
Summary: Light gets everyone jacked up on Crack. What happens when they decided to write their own version of The Constitution? T for reference to crack in summery and the slight dictatorshipness they display. Reference towards couplings.
1. Preamble

This 'story' was helped to be inspired by Scarlet's Funeral as well as a few other friends of mine. Character's words are OOC-ish. Reasoning? Read Summery.

Disclaimer: Nothing but the idea of this document is owned by me.

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Constitution of Death Note

Preamble:

We, the characters of Death note, in order to support our own justice, make life more interesting, be able to do as pleased, and not commit suicide do create this document for the people of this world as it all falls apart.


	2. Article 1

Article 1: L's section

For those that have a curiosity that may lead to ridiculous questions shall now be informed that I, L, shall be supreme ruler of this vast place known as the Universe.

Due to reasons unknown, I have a constant need for sugar and detest anything that may resemble healthy. Therefore, sugar and sweets shall be served at all meals and healthy products are outlawed. Those that wish to have an exception to this rule will have to send a formal request or realize the extraordinary benefits on living on sweets. From this drastic change in diet you may find yourself thinning, needing less sleep, thinking with a more idealistic intelligence, and becoming worthy of acknowledgment.

Peculiar as some may find my fascination with Light, I declare it perfectly expectable. To be honest with myself, what I have with Light may not be so much a fascination but a love. A strong, heart throbbing, gut wrenching Love. If I had the desirable pleasure of disposing my irrational phobia of marriage, then I would be on my knee in a second to ask for his hand in that which was mentioned. For those that have an I.Q. that does not allow them to detect that which was practically thrown in your face, I hereby make gay marriage legal by the definite agreement of my successors.

Now to get to the punishments. If any of the laws mentioned are frowned upon or broken in any form, the punishment shall be death given out by Beyond Birthday, Kira, or as we see fit. Those that are curious may want to know that none that are guilty shall get a trial. That said, all accused shall be thoroughly investigated till proven over 90% guilty or innocent. Of course, that is for more severe cases, such as breaking the laws. Some believe that L is a person that is completely and irrationally for justice. I would like to set the record straight by stating that it is not this world's ridiculous sense of justice that I am for, but my own more reasonable sense of justice. Wow I sound like Kira…. Oh well!


	3. Article 2

Article 2: Near's section

Unlike L, I shall be plain and blunt with my demands and five explanations afterwards. Speaking of plain and blunt, emotions are no longer aloud to be shown in public. Some may think this to be ridiculous. I know you feel emotions and sometimes you want to show them or act on them, but that fact does not mean that others want to see them. Just because you love someone does not mean that I wish to see you kiss that someone. Therefore, no more emotions in public.

No one is permitted to touch albinos unless granted permission or they are dead. People have a tendency to try to touch albinos. I must assume that it is because we are so pale that they feel the need to make sure that we are real. Well, we are very much real and we do not appreciate you all feeling a notion to touch us. The next person to touch me shall have their hand bitten off.

Now, I should probably just send a letter to the Lego Company, but I want a document that states that they must so they cannot refuse. What could I possibly be talking about? I am simply stating that the Lego Company must hand over their ownership of the company to me. As many know, I have an absolute love for legos That is all the reasoning needed for as to why I want to own all the legos in the world.

L, Mello, Light, Matt, and I, Near, are permitted to kill anyone and everyone we deem as unworthy. With that said, I must do much explaining. Who do we deem unworthy? That is a simple question that many fear the answer of. Anyone who goes against law, wars rainbow colored socks, gets on our nerves, or is our enemy. That basically means that we may kill whoever we think deserves to die. Of course, we are not allowed to kill each other by any means including magical notebooks of doom. That said, I shall answer the question of how those unworthy shall die. Seeing as though there are many pleasurable ways of killing people, I say that there will not be a particular death that shall be used every fucking time we want someone dead. Why the fuck do you idiotic people care anyway? Did I just curse? Anyways, no matter how painful or gently you die, it does not change the simple fact that you are most definitely going to be dead when the day is over so you might as well enjoy your final surprise. Now on to my final wish.

I, Near, shall be entrusted with as many knives as I pleas. Now anyone who does not know me will be confused by that statement. That is okay, for you do not need to know. Do not ask.


	4. Article 3

Article 3: Mello's section

I, Mello, have a deep love for revolvers and do not appreciate when others try to turn theirs on me. That said, I am officially banning revolvers from all but those who shall write their name on the bottom of this document. Why am I allowing them to own revolvers? As Near stated in the last section, we are not allowed to kill each other and therefore they can threaten me with my own guns. They do not like revolvers anyways. Near also told me tat I must clearly explain all my demands to stop riots, so my section will be quite annoyingly long. At least it is to me.

Second would be that you are all our slaves. After hearing that, you probably think that I am crazy and that you will never obey. Hear me out. You do not realize it, but you all have always been our slaves in a way. Every second of every day we have used your lack of intelligence, emotions, and lives for our own personal gain. This paragraph will not change a single thing. I just thought that you ought to know that you are being used. To be completely truthful, you have been paying us to use you. You all brought us to power and that gave us the power to make this Constitution that may not be disobeyed. This is your entire fault. And apparently partially my own as Near is now saying that crack makes me way too…. Manipulatively mellow? I think he's trying to joke. Creepy. Anyways!

Ever since I was a young boy, I have had an obsession with chocolate. I am not entirely sure why, but it helps me think better. Maybe it is the way it melts in my mouth, the way it is either sweet or bitter, or perhaps it is the way there are a million different flavors, tastes, types, sizes, textures, and qualities. Despite my lack of stomach, small structure, and huge muscles, I eat at least 3 chocolate bars a day. The point is that I really love chocolate. Due to this love, I now decree all chocolate to be ours… but mostly mine.

For anyone with an I.Q. of over 120, school is a pointless waist of time. We could be doing so much more useful things than just sitting in a class finding out things we already know for a whole fucking 8 hours. I am not sure about you, but that just pisses me off. For that reason, if your current I.Q. is over 120 than school is not required. You may still go, but I do not see why considering you already know the material. Also, high intelligence jobs must hire people based on I.Q., not educational background.

Finally, I shall state that no one but the writers of this document shall have any rights at all in my presence. Wait. Scratch that. You shall have one right. The right to kill each other. Not the writers. I repeat, you can't not kill the writers. No other rights though. Why? Because I simply fucking do not want to have to deal with all of your bullshit!

…Hey look! Near! I beat you in length!

Yes, but you came after me in the order.

DON'T INVADE MY ARTICLE!


End file.
